Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
