I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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