I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
