Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
