she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
