I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
