I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
