I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
