I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
