I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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