everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
