i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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