My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You ruined the universe
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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