I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
