I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
