i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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