Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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