Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
