my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We left the knife in your bed.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
