New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
