dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
