I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
