Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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