you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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