she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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