farters have to be the big spoon...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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