Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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