dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
