I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
