she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
