i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
then he tried to convert me to islam
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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