Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Even my vagina gasped.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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