Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
