Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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