i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
