my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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