I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
