i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
40s are totally the cure
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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