I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
