Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
