I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
