Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
