you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
