Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
