she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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