Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
