I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
