she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
