she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
