i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
