Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
