Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
